True Guilt vs. False Guilt

Do you feel guilty all the time? So many women that I work experience guilt frequently, and I struggle with it myself. Here's the first thing I want you to know: Guilt is an emotion, not necessarily a direct message from God. The bestselling authors of Boundaries, John Townsend and Henry Cloud say, “Our conscience isn’t God. It’s part of living in a fallen world. . ."

The bottom line is this: The presence of guilty feelings does not mean you have done something wrong. It might mean you have done something brave. Therefore,
braving guilt involves getting curious about it, just as you would any other feeling, such as sadness, anger, or fear. Guilt has important information for you, but it does not always have the full story.

It’s helpful to distinguish between true guilt and false guilt. The messages of true guilt show up after you do something wrong. You’ll know it’s true guilt if you can name the thing you did wrong. For example:

• I yelled at my kids.
• I lied to a friend.
• I betrayed someone’s trust—I shared their confidential information in a moment of gossip.

In such cases, true guilt brings conviction. It involves a clear prick of the conscience, followed by clarity about the offense. You’ll then need to determine your next braving steps; you’ll work to change your own behaviors and apologize or make amends.

The messages of false guilt, on the other hand, show up when you haven’t done anything wrong. You’ll know it’s false guilt if you can’t name an actual thing that you did wrong. You feel a vague sense of not measuring up to some impossible standard either you or someone else has set. For example:

• I feel guilty that they feel disappointed.
• I feel guilty that I’m not available to my loved ones 24-7.
• I feel guilty that other people are suffering.

In the case of false guilt, you can tell yourself a thousand different ways that you shouldn’t feel guilty. But you do. Guilt clings to you like a frightened child. What if I’ve done something wrong? What if I’ve hurt someone? What if I’ve made a mistake? The solution isn’t to try to shoo guilt away. It’s to gently reframe guilt and give it a new name—one that more accurately describes what you’re feeling.

Reframing False Guilt

The truth is that false guilt often protects you from facing other more vulnerable emotions, such as sadness, fear, and even helplessness. These emotions can be challenging to face. For example

• I’m sad that I’m disappointing my friend.
• I’m worried I’m letting my kids down.
• I feel helpless that I can’t improve their situation.

In this case guilt is a misnaming. Of course you don’t want other people to feel disappointed or let down. You don’t want others to be hurting. But it’s not helpful to tell yourself that these things are exclusively your responsibility.

When you experience false guilt, you essentially feel guilty for being human. You feel guilty that you’re finite. You feel guilty that you’re not omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. In other words, you feel guilty that you’re not God. The good news is—you’re not. You’re finite. You’re limited. You’re human. We all are.

The antidote to guilt in this case is radical acceptance of your human limitations. It’s what we mean by the word surrender. When you surrender, you reframe your expectations of yourself.

• Guilt says, “I’m letting people down,” but surrender says, “I am limited, and I am a beloved child of God.”
• Guilt says, “I should be perfect,” but surrender says, “I’m not perfect, and God’s grace is enough.”
• Guilt says, “I should have done more,” but surrender says, “I gave my best, and I have to trust God with the rest.”

Do you see what I’m getting at? The antidote to guilt is a radical acceptance of your dependence on God. It’s choosing to bravely suffer the reality of your human limitations wisely. God, I don’t want to disappoint this other person. I don’t want to make a mistake. I don’t want other people to suffer, and I have to be brave. I have to make decisions. I have to live within the limits of my own humanity.

Braving radical acceptance and radical dependence on the One who actually holds all things together is the exact opposite of the toxic positivity, half-baked half-truths,
and spiritual platitudes that keep you stuck. It’s the ultimate sign of an active, not passive, faith.

Name, Frame, and Brave Guilt

When guilt messages crowd your mind, name, frame, and brave your way to clear action steps.
Name: What exactly do you feel guilty about?‍

Frame: Ask yourself the following framing questions:

• Did I do something wrong? Would an objective third party agree that I did something wrong? (If you aren’t sure, ask someone.)
• Did I hurt someone else as a result of cruelty, impatience, selfishness, or anger? (If so, you are likely feeling true guilt.)
• Did I hurt someone else as a result of setting a healthy boundary or honoring my human limitations? (If so, you are likely feeling false guilt.)

Brave: Identify an action step.

• If you’ve identified true guilt, apologize to the person you hurt, make amends, or commit to growth.
• If you’ve identified false guilt, identify one fact that counters the guilt message. For example
  • I’m not giving my kids enough attention becomes I spend twenty minutes of quality time with my kids each night before bed.
  • I’m not helping out enough at church becomes I volunteer once a month.
  • I’m not taking care of myself becomes I take a walk each day.

A moment of surrender is quite possibly the bravest act there is. It’s not that challenges magically resolve themselves. It’s that when we become aware of our own frailties, our own finitude, we discover that’s where God loves to enter in. It’s where we stumble upon a deeper strength, one that does not come from inside us, yet one that paradoxically amplifies our potential to make an even more significant change.

Our loving God, who has been there all along, breaks through a little bit. That divide between where you are and where God is disappears. Your mind calms. Something inside your body shifts. You take a break. Move your body. Call a friend. You let the tears flow freely, and sometimes you sob. And then you get back up. And with God’s help you take that next one brave step toward whatever is in your control.

Today's blog post in an excerpt from I Shouldn't Feel This Way: Name What's Hard, Tame Your Guilt, and Transform Self-Sabotage Into Brave Action.

Pick up your copy anywhere books are sold, or get the first 3 chapters free here